And so it Goes. Lehman Brothers (all of them) and their cousin Merill Lynch (all alone) followed Bear Stearns into Alaskan oblivion. The greater tragedy has not been the disappearance of these pious reticent institutions but to their customers who had gotten used to the high standards of service quality, respect and diligence that these institutions delivered. In a material world, it was only investment banks like these which stood out for their utmost respect and adherence to the highest social and environmental values. Please check the websites www.lehman.com and www.ml.com
Readers will be aware that at this point your correspondent usually comes with something profound such as ‘the recent developments on wall street have bared the capitalistic reality that profits are private but losses are collective’. But the author is well aware of the financial, social and psychological insulation that the readers have against fancy news items such as ‘Lehman goes under’. As I have always attempted, in the interest of my readers, I will try to focus on what is relevant for them i.e. you.
My first reaction to the news of the chapter 11 filing by Lehman brothers was not, in spite of my formidable and much respected intellectual prowess (yes, the word you are searching for is delusion), to delve into the murky depths of valuing the derivates in Lehman’s torpedoed balance sheet or its implications on financial markets but a very human “why didn’t this happen to ICICI Bank and for how long will one have to wait till this happens to them”. The second reaction was of ‘not again’ that Chelsea Clinton was attending the bankruptcy hearings. It seems that nothing consequential can happen in that silly country without either a Bush or Clinton being involved.
I digress. The obvious and life-critical question all of us in India are asking is when will ICICI bank sink. The existing customers of ICICI want the bank to ‘go under’ because of the quality of service that this magnificent institution provides. The few who are not yet customers of ICICI bank want it to sink because of the quality of phone calls they get, sometimes on Sunday afternoons, during which the bank representative starts off by asking one’s name and then enquiring if one is interested in a particular product of the bank. When I realise that the tele-relationship is not going anywhere, I usually try to elevate the quality of the conversation by asking the caller’s opinion about the 1-2-3 agreement or the crisis in Georgia. To my utter surprise the calling party quickly rebuffs my platonic-intellectual overtures by slamming their phones. In any case, by the time the call ends both parties involved are unable to resolve who is more disinterested in this bank-customer mating ritual.
I must admit that I have nothing particular against ICICI Bank. Far from it. I know of several entrepreneurial people who have raised money (fictionally termed ‘Loan’ by the bank) from ICICI for just causes such as a swankier car, or an education (MBA-if you have the courage to call it an education), or a house and have never had to repay the money. I also have a million friends who have at some point been paid by ICICI for doling out these Loans, which is fondly called work in ICICI circles. One would say that such a philanthropic institution needs to be strengthened.
But if this institution is not stopped in its tracks very soon this country will go back to the stone age. Let me explain. Indian civilization is based on mobile phones. Whether it is a mother’s painstaking 3 hour interrogation of whether or not her 34 year old son has absorbed enough calories during the day and enough here is defined by enough calories to light up Ghana for a year, or a 35 minute discussion with a second cousin’s friend regarding the national crisis of Dada being dropped. While this conversation is being tapped by Reliance-ADAG, Dada calls up the agriculture minister to discuss the rising prices of potatoes, amongst other things.
Now imagine, what will happen to this society, country, economy if people throw their phones away in sheer terror of the calls emanating from ICICI. Very soon the whole telecom infrastructure of the company will be rendered redundant. The country will go back to booking trunk calls I say!
There won’t be the nokia handsets to place individuals in the social hierarchy. Individuality will be dead. People will become indistinguishable- like those in Beijing. There won’t be any indicator for the Delhi Police cop to gauge how much he should ask for from the man who just jumped the light. No meaningless but beautiful jingles on TV. Even ‘the Brothers’ might stop quarrelling. In short, duniya humari mutthi se nikal jayegi. Poor AR Rehman will have to go back to writing full-length compositions. At least one of the Indian openers will have to look for alternate employment opportunities. Only things left will be air, water, fire, earth. No Signal.
ICICI is a small price to pay for protecting modern Indian society.
