Transcriber’s note: These are the unofficial transcripts of the discussion that ensued during the selection of the awardee for the Nobel Peace Prize for this year. The housekeeper of the venue left her mobile phone in record mode prior to the commencement of the meeting, thus giving us an insight into the secret process of selecting the awardee. The original recordings of the proceedings are in the Norwegian, and are not available in the public domain.
One more note: Several side conversations pertaining to dogs (including some sample woofs), gout, hernia surgeries, home mortgages, Icelandic banks, divorce filings and 20-year-old girlfriends have been edited out to make this suitable for public consumption.
Further note: This version also does not feature (except where important for the script) significant background noises that sound curiously like snoring.
Committee Member 1 (The Family Man): Ah, ladies and gentlemen, pardon my tardiness. The grandchildren’s dog was undergoing surgery, and we needed someone to stay with him and the kids while he was under the scalpel.
The Chairman (Yes Man and Nodder): I hope he is doing well now. These times are quite traumatic for the grandchildren. Thank heavens for the advances in medical science.
Committee Member 2 (The Big Picture Economist): Indeed, I must say that the work for which the Prize was given for medicine is quite significant. I am looking forward to the prize for Economics. It is all rather interesting.
Committee Member 3 (The International Culinary Culture expert): Yes. Yes, please clear the plate. The Peking duck was quite outstanding, as was the choice of wines. Please convey my compliments to the sommelier and to the housekeeper. Yes, I would like some coffee, please. Thank you!
CM4 (The Advocate of Freedom) and CM5 (The Philosopher and Thinker): Thank you!
(Loud burping and what sounds like tipsy laughter accompany a clinking of crockery and cutlery.)
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Attention, ladies and gentlemen. We hope you have dined well. It is now time for us to commence the discussion for which we have all gathered here- awarding the Prize for Peace.
The International Culinary Culture Expert: The number of nominations for the prize keep growing each year. Statistically, I am not surprised by the number of ducks..err…Chinese on this list!
The Advocate of Freedom: Indeed, It’s a bit of a pity that no one ever hears about the Chinese in the news, media coverage would have helped our decision-making considerably. I find reading these documents expounding their achievements in the face of adversity quite tiresome. Why don’t they just seek political asylum and be an activist in another country that gives them more freedom of expression? It is so much easier to get column-inches in the world’s top newspapers, not to mention hours of repetitive coverage on international media.
The Philosopher and Thinker: Indeed. Do you think we should consider giving the prize to Mr. Gandhi? Firstly, there is the minor matter that he is dead. Then, the events are too far away in the past. Of course, since India’s neighbours such as Afghanistan and Pakistan have not adhered to his principles, it does water his achievement down. Of what use is your effort if it does not wake up the neighbours?
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Quite, quite.
The International Culinary Culture Expert: I wonder how anyone can do anything for world peace amidst the shattered economy of eastern Europe, or even in south and south east Asia. The western world’s food crisis is because of them eating more, how could we even consider people from there? Sigh!
The Family Man: As for the Australians, they are simply too geographically isolated to be interested in anything but their pets, sports and indigenous people. Anything they do for their indigenous people does not count towards world peace anyway.
The Advocate of Freedom: I quite agree with you. The middle-east is full of tribals keenly intent on killing each other for political and material gain, as is most of Africa. Alas, there is not enough read, heard and broadcasted about them. In any case, what percentage of people in the world understand Zulu? Haha.
Other Committee members: Hahahaha.
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Quite, quite.
The Big Picture Economist: Indeed. It is inconcieveable how solving local problems by setting up elementary things like a commodity exchange that serves Ethiopia ….
The International Culinary Culture Expert: ….Hahaha.. What commodities would they would trade on the exchange? Nothing to eat, I am sure!
The Big Picture Economist: (continues)….Haha….or the fact that people in the Gaza have to make do with a painted-over donkey as a Zebra due to the Israeli blockade could impact world peace. We need to look for big picture thinking.
The Advocate of Freedom: I think we should reject Quaddafi. Not only because he is a military leader, but because I didn’t like his address in the United Nations recently. I wonder why the media had to spend so much time covering such an insignificant event. Did you see his costume during his appearance? Appalling!
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Another round of coffee, ladies and gentlemen? We seem to have plodded through 201 of the 205 nominees for the prize already.
The Family Man: Yes, thank you. Please give me a moment while I check up on the status of the family dog.
The Big Picture Economist: Latin America? I would have been inclined to consider Hugo Chavez for the prize, if only he had not been a military ruler. The Banco Del Sur (Bank of the South) was quite innovative- no one has thought of creating a bank that exclusively serves developing countries for some decades now. Of course, there has been no movement on the idea yet, but….
The International Culinary Culture Expert: Ah yes. I would say that Raul Castro’s idea of providing lunch allowances to workers, instead of state sponsored lunches is a big step towards providing people choices in what they eat! It seems that the world might be able to take a page out of his book. But alas, Cuba and Raul’s background make the prize impossible for him.
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Quite, quite. Ladies and gentlemen, we now have only two nominees on our list. Congratulations for coming this far after such in-depth discussions, let me tell you that this is quite uncharacteristically speedy for such decisions! Let us consider them one by one, and make our choice. Would anyone have anything to say in support of Mexico's Manuel Uribe, the most obese man in the world?
The International Culinary Culture Expert: I am a supporter of the gentleman. He has, after all, lost about 80 kilos of weight in the past few months. It must have meant a lot of cutting calories, and that is extremely painful! In addition, he has even ventured out of his house once, with a crane lifting him. That counts as an a contribution for all the obese people in the world, and for their WAGS, who can take a page out of how Mr. Uribe’s girl supports him in everything he does. Definitely a strong contender.
The Philosopher and Thinker: One minor detail, though. He is so obese that his photo will not fit in with the symmetry of our photo gallery of Nobel laureates.
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Indeed, quite a disadvantage. That leaves us with just one contender, Mr. Barack Obama!
The Big Picture Economist: I can see several advantages in choosing him. He is addressing the right problem- that of nuclear disarmament, by making all the right noises.
The Family Man: Of course, I know him personally. An outstanding gentleman, great family values, much respect for culture. Look at the way he kept his word on getting his children a dog!
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Quite, quite.
The Advocate of Freedom: He’s had enough and more coverage in the media. He is even making the right promises. He actually did something to better relations with Russia.
The Big Picture Economist: Of course, we have to shore up the US economy even though it is recovering. I am sure the cash award that goes with the prize will contribute to that cause in a strategic way.
The Philosopher and Thinker: zzzz…..
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Wonderful. Finding a picture of him will not be tough- he is all over the papers anyway! Shall I take it that we have come to a decision, gentlemen?
Committee members: Yes. Congratulations.
The Philosopher and Thinker: err….aye aye sir!
The Chairman (Yes man and Nodder): Bring in the champagne, please. A toast to the decision. Of course, we won’t wake him up in the middle of the night, lest we be accused of racism.
